meelouf

I was adopted at age 8, together with my brother, age 11, and my sister, age 12. My biological mother died when I was 7 years old. My father was an alcoholic. To take care of us, he stopped working, but began to drink more and more. One day, our neighbours reported him to the police, and because he was drunk at the time, he signed papers abandoning us. I did not understand with my child's eyes why his sister, who had 2 sons and who had a better life in Seoul, did not help us. Perhaps could she not? We stayed 8 months in the Inchon orphanage of Holt.We were destined for the United States, but a 40 year old French couple adopted us. We arrived in France on August 24, 1983.

Unfortunately, I was placed into a dysfunctional family!

I suffered domestic violence. My father beat my mother. I was a victim of incest from 11 to 14 years old by my grandfather on my mother’s side. The worst part of all this was that when I revealed my abuse, nobody believed me, while my mother was herself a victim of her husband! They left me alone in this nightmare that destroyed my adolescence! They did not even send me to a therapist! My mother often humiliated me, sometimes even in public. She did everything she could to divide us. We were getting along so well until she told us three weeks after our arrival in France "stop, you are in France, it is finished with Korea, you must speak French." She set us against each other, so now I have no contact with my brother. Her law was "divide and conquer".

It is true that I was a child traumatized by my past and that we all had our problems. I admit it. At home, I stood up to my mother while in public I was introverted and shy (I blushed at the slightest remark!). And my mother was authoritarian and blamed my behaviour. But many children are like that, right? My father was a coward and was only good for a salary! I found out later it was my mother who had completed all the procedures for adoption and that my father only signed the papers! I’m still convinced that my mother thought she could save their relationship by adopting us, and that my father would learn to control his temper, but unfortunately he failed! As the saying goes "driving his natural running back.” It was my father who could not have children! My brother and sister defended my mother and received the punches of course. My mother was taking anti-depressants and we had to comfort her! You know how men who beat their wives have two faces and are socially integrated and diplomats! The whole family made us feel that we should “owe” them forever for being adopted: they took us out of misery and saved my sister and me from a life of prostitution.

People often say to me "but your parents must be great people, they did not separate you" (unbearable sentence for me).

So I would like to reply: "Oh if you only knew what hell I experienced!" Sometimes I think what my life could have been if I had stayed in Korea and my aunt had helped us, or if we had been adopted by an American couple. Sometimes there remains in me the little girl who is constantly crying for her mother, and who has still not stopped her grieving.

We were not very accepted into my father’s family. His father was racist and he called us "yellow". His mother preferred her little blonde French daughter, of course, and she did not want my parents to adopt black children!

Yet, I can assure you that we were reasonable children who were not delinquent. How many times we had wanted to call the police! My mother did not recognize herself as a victim; never wanted to divorce or complain... I lived in fear and terror! I thought about running away, but was afraid of being sent back again to an orphanage!

Because of a constantly violent family environment, my sister tried committing suicide at 18. And again, my parents did nothing to help her or to consult a psychologist. Indeed, they considered psychiatrists sick people.

The verbal abuse between my mother and my brother began reaching its peak and my mother no longer wanted to support him. My parents decided to kick my brother out at the age of 20 years. My sister and I did not even have the right to call him or my mother would have a hysterical fit! I left the house at 20 because I could no longer tolerate the climate of abuse and violenceWe were sacrificed children in the name of the father and grandfather. Love is unknown in this family ! I just realized recently that it is a family of manipulators and makers of stories!

All that to say that I fell ill and my adoption is what might be called a failed adoption. I voluntarily cut all ties with my family 8 years ago and consider myself a double orphan! My only family is my sister. Myself, I have a past that will haunt me forever.

I thank my parents for having followed me to school, for having fed me, for housing me and doing laundry, but I do not thank them for adopting me. I sometimes would have preferred to stay in my misery, as they say! I did not choose them: they selected me!

If I want to testify today, it’s because I want to break this wall of silence that hurt me too much! I have spoken of my sufferings for only two years ... and have remained silent for 17 years! You cannot imagine how liberating it is to finally have a voice!

I wish to express my willingness to move forward despite all the traumas I have suffered.I think some egocentric parents should not adopt children! Maybe the regulations were not as severe in my time.

I realize older sibling group is atypical !

I feel that failed adoptions are a taboo subject that few adopted children dare speak of! I'm sorry if my words may offend some adoptive parents and if they perceive that I am advocating my misfortunes. But it is the story of my life!

I read books by Barbara Monestier, Christian Demortier, and Johnny Subrock and I thank them for writing their history. Their experience also convinced me to testify, although each story is unique. Mine resembles that of Christian or even more than Johnny Subrock.  

Thank you in advance for reading my story. I hope you will understand the meaning of my testimony.