abuse case file

One of the first memories I have is of my afather holding my older brother up against a wall by his neck --he was about four at the time --and me standing there sceaming because I was frightened he was hurting him .M af turned round and shouted at me that he would give me somethnig to cry about if I carried on screaming .He would go purple with rage and his eyes would bulge ,and then he would let loose on us. He continued to hit, spank, whip and throw us down stairs until we left home. He also would wash me in the bath, rubbing soap between my legs ,until I was about 12, and looking back I can see that he had an erection while doing this. My amother wanted a perfect little girl ,a doll to dress up, and I was a big disappointment to her. She liked my brother but not me. She always told me I was a nutter, a weirdo, and no one would like me when I grew up. She was critical of eveything I did, I couldnt do anything right. When I got older she would say I was dirty an smelly ,and not allow me to bring any freinds home -she was a snob and only allowed me to play with children of her friends who she approved of. In the summers , I was sent out with some crackers and cream cheese and told not to come home til late. In the winters, I just had to stay out of the way .She was scared of my afather, what he might do to us ,I think . When I was two I used to have nightmares --my aparents locked me in my bedroom so I couldn't get out of the dark room when I woke up--this wasn't intentional cruelty, as they were trying to stop me throwing myself down the stairs which I did regularly--but it's stuck with me and I'm still terrified of the dark. Memories keep surfacing now and I wonder what else  I have forgotten. I can half remember afather sexually abusing me at a very young age, but I'm not sure if this is a real memory or not. When I was 12, a boy who lived next door sexually abused me --I didn't remember this until  recently-and I'm 100% sure this happened. When I was a teenager I started to drink to blot things out --came home very drunk most nights and got beaten up by afather. Ran away three times and got picked up by the police and brought back. Began to look for approval in other men, had first sex at 13 with a much older man. Got thrown out when I was 16 by afather. I had a lot of bad relatonships in adulthood, attahcment problems, self esteem issues --my ex husband is a sex addict and abusive . I have disowned my aparents now and don't have any contact with them. Working through things now,slowly,and see a life someday free of pain and guilt.